Cerena Karmaliani

She knew what her options were; she was lucky in that way - at least more fortunate than most in her situation. It didn’t make the choice any easier, though. She knew what her parents would want if they knew and that the only other person who could have a say in this situation would gladly run away at the first opportunity. She got out of bed carefully before her alarm, which was a change from her usual routine of snoozing at least three times, and clodded her way to the bathroom, where she got ready for the day. Staring herself down in the mirror, voices filled her mind - do you think anyone will notice? Shaking her head slightly, she reminded herself that it didn’t matter if anyone noticed; she lived on her own now and could make her own decisions, but they had no right to notice. Still, despite the glaring sun outside her window, she chose a looser hoodie to pull on over the tank top she was wearing on the way out of the door. 

Dodging her way past freshman and their families, excited for the new chapter in their lives, she headed towards the hall where she was meeting her friend. It was a move-in day of sorts for her as well. Or rather, a move-out day, freshly out of her teenage years, she and her best friend had just signed a lease for an apartment, which meant that she no longer had to return home for the summer. A thought suddenly popped into her head - would there be enough space in that apartment for three? Sobered by the idea she tucked her head down and sped up slightly. 

Walking into the hall was a humbling experience, to say the least; it felt as if everyone’s eyes were on her, judging her slightly. She knew that there was no way they could know, but she felt her hand move subconsciously to her lower abdomen anyway.  The feeling didn’t shake until she caught her friend’s eyes on the other side of the room. She felt tears welling up in her eyes but quickly realized that she wouldn’t understand why she was crying anyway, so she quickly composed herself as she didn’t feel like being questioned at this time, especially since she didn’t even know the answers herself. 

She hugged her friend tightly to her chest, relishing the feeling of being held and taken care of, if only for a few seconds. It ended all too fast, and her friend was already rambling about their apartment and how she would set up their shared living room. Following behind her friend, she sighed in relief as they exited the tightly packed hall back into the sunlight. However, that peace didn’t last long as the bustle of move-in day resumed around them and inevitably crammed their bodies tightly together. The lone suitcase she had left to move to the apartment dragged behind her, clunking every now and then against the pavement. 

Her friend reached a hand behind her as if to guide her through the sea of people, and she grabbed it, hoping it would make sure they didn’t get separated again. She knew her way to the apartment but it felt good to navigate her world with someone by her side, even if her friend didn’t fully understand all the nuances of her world yet. She caught herself comparing their hand sizes in her head. How big is a baby’s hand? What would the baby’s hand feel like in hers? It would have to feel softer than the callused fingers her friend proudly displayed from hours of practice on the guitar. 

They had first met at the cafe where she worked. Her friend had gotten a gig performing for the last straggling customers in the cafe on Saturdays and stayed late to help her clean up afterward. From then on, they had been inseparable; they stayed up late together cramming for exams, went out every Friday together, and then woke up at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning for she had to go to work, her friend just accompanied for what she said was the free coffee. Still, she knew that it was more than that. She had always looked out for her, so why was it so hard to confide in her now? 

A feeling of guilt started to creep up on her as they approached the lobby of their apartment. The door creaked as her friend opened it, dust slightly falling around them in a halo-type manner. Her friend must have squealed in excitement or something like that because the one man in the corner of the lobby on the ratty armchair looked over with a glare, but honestly, she much preferred that over the judgy look she had felt in that hall. Her friend didn’t even seem to notice the look and went along rambling all the way up the dusty-smelling elevator. It jerkily stopped on their floor, and she exchanged one more look of excitement with her friend before they got right in front of their door. The crusty welcome mat from the previous renters was still outside the door, but you could see traces of their personalization the minute you walked inside the apartment. 

She had been excited when she had first seen the listing. Working at a cafe meant good tips but not good enough to move out on her own, especially while being a full-time student, but this apartment had seemed to come at the perfect moment, and she and her friend didn’t wait a second before jumping on the opportunity. Walking into the apartment, she was reminded of a time when she was actually excited to move. Her waffle maker was set on the kitchen counter; her shoes lay scattered all over the floor, and their bright blue couch, which had taken them an entire day to bring up, decorated the sparsely furnished living room. 

She heard her friend mumble something about going to get something to eat, and she quickly nodded - it was suddenly starting to feel as if the room was starting to spin around her. This day was supposed to be exciting, her first moment of freedom and individuality, but all she could think about was the chance that she may never be able to be alone ever again. 

She paced her way to her room, where the half-filled air mattress lay in the center of the room, and sank into it; she had to make a choice quickly for her own sanity. On the one hand she could choose the option in which she never had to tell anybody. This could live and die with just her. Or, she could choose to change her life completely, but that would start with telling someone, and adjusting her job, and would she get to stay in school? 

She heard their door creep open; not moving from her bed, she heard her friend call her name, but she didn’t move and waited for her to come to her. Once her friend sat down on the bed, sinking it slightly, she finally let the tears stream down her face. Her friend dropped the bag of what smelled like Mexican food onto her carpeted floor and turned to face her. She had a decision to make, and so she made it, “I have something to tell you,” she whispered into the air, letting the words surround them until they settled into her skin.